adeptly gary

[EDIT: 3/24/11 I wrote this under the influence. So excuse the GARY rambling.]

It's hard to say when I decided I was capable. Enrolling in 5 courses (English 2, Geometry, World History:part 2, French 1, Health:part 2) sounds absurd, given that it took me nearly 3 bulimic-crowded-years to complete 9th grade. But back to capability. It spread like a heinous disease, point for point with my anorexia. The more I restrict, the more I lust for knowledge. I read like a glutinous snorting/rearing pig, and take 4 xanax and 3 adderall a day to keep my flock of thoughts sequestered in a padlocked pen. Functioning, like my labored breathing, is unfathomable without my drugs. Dear Lord, I'm Gary personified.

Gary, my fun-loving 40+ in seniority, pill-popping friend, is who I'm referencing. I love him, dearly; not a puppy-love sort of crush, but a all-encompassing stifling love that expands day by fleeting day. I've known him as a sort of uncle figure all my life, and I've always favored him, always felt crushed by the weight of our fastening personalities.

I have a friendship with him that fetters me, and I'm always concerned for him, his life choices, and his girlfriend preferences. Not jealously, but more like a festering agitation for his well-being in those relationships. I could never be jealous, I only yearn for a blissful relationship for him. It's hard to intelligibly make this clear in my own head, never mind in a blog post. But, to be neat and fair, I love him and only wish for him the best in life. I'm doubtful he'll ever vacate my thoughts and future choices, but when I'm in a relationship just based on a no-strings-attached liaison it's easy to forgive and forget my love. But by the next day my stomach is roiling at my betrayal to my one-sided love.

I suppose I've only managed to disappoint, and that's a hard cross to bear.