In a nutshell, I'm positive I'll be left in the rotten, old dust of the world. I'm Jane. Mmh, always been stuck with that Pain Jane moniker. It just rolled off the tongue, and it frustrated me to no end that everyone in school used my name to mock me. I vividly remember becoming so enraged at a boy in elementary school that I held him in a choke-hold for several seconds. Then I was immediately repulsed and ashamed and all the anger oozed out viscously. I was sick to my stomach and didn't want to face him or anyone. I skulked into the classroom, face burning, and quietly sat down on the floor, shaking with anxiety. Then in aftercare I was screaming out the injustices of the world, and climbing trees and high on life. I went home and I was ashamed and lying and alone, and remorsefully wrote a note to the boy apologizing.
Fickle. Ambivalent: I'm bipolar with an ED, if someone could just stick with a diagnosis. It can be very tiring shuffling in and out of a psychiatric identification. Validation is hard to come by these days. People talk about ups and downs, but it's hard to express what it feels like to be uncontrollably up or down. My father calls it 'mind over matter' and that makes me feel like a ball of shit for being unable to 'control' myself and my actions. I could wake up one morning high as a kite, then go from ecstatic to depressed like someone flipped a light-saver switch. I could do something one day, and wake up the next regretting whatever I did or said. On a high I lost my virginity in the girls bathroom at fourteen; by fifteen I was a full time bulimic. I've written suicide notes - as early at age eight, I've put a gun in my mouth, I've counted and separated the pills I would need to take to overdose. But I have to face to the world - there are no magic words to make my problems go away.
My EDNOS, I'll address as comprehensibly as possible. I've been a bulimic/anorexic-alternating for six years or so; I get disoriented about the passage of time. There are periods where I deny that I have an eating disorder and delude myself into believing I'm 'on top on the world' and nothing is wrong at all. I look at others around me and how effortlessly they live and accomplish moving on with life, and wonder why I'm still stuck in the same old rut I've been in for 6 years. I want to know that there is something out there calling my name, something I haven't found yet but is waiting for me to grasp it. It's the only way I can go on living.
But I feel secure and impregnable behind this new blog. The name's very misleading. This blog is a way of learning about myself, and seeing where this takes me. I hope to stick with this blog for as long as possible, before I lose interest. I just want people to be aware of my illness, and how it affects me and the ones around me, the ones I count on for love and support.
To end on a happy note: I like appreciating the world, the way colors dance on the skin, the transformation of golden and bright light on the diorama of life. The way thoughts pirouette in your head, those kind of bizarre thoughts full of imagination, so much so that you think you're the only one feeling them. We are all like that, I think, to some degree.
I hope you enjoy getting to know this crazy person ;)
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