bad days

It's been about a week or so since my last post, and since then it's been hard not to just break down and cry. I am not alone, and I valiantly try to tell myself that I am not still isolated. But, it's hard, and only A keeps me sane - my new skype friend. A lot of this stems from my up and down days, my bipolarity - the fact that I'm still restricting. There's a lot of things I don't tell people, like the fact that I'm still fortified by my my ed, and my comfortable schedule. I guess it's because, I know, that in reality they don't want to hear it. If they really cared about me, these dark things about me would make them sad or angry, and who really wants an unstable friend? Someone you can't depend on just to be constant and "normal." If they don't care, it just makes them awkward and skittish; I can always tell. 

I spend so many of my days worrying about other people, whether they're comfortable, whether they're okay, so how can someone take issue with the fact that I don't want to inflict that kind of worry on someone else? Well, I tried to end my friendship with P for that very same reason - she made me feel like shit, and she tried too hard to make it up to me. But for days on end, I felt guilty, and sick, and I was just tired of having these moments where my heart keeps beating, and my chest constricts, and my throat chokes up. Everything felt painful and empty, and numb at the same time. Even though I attempt recovery, P was not. I still want my 00's and she does not. We were friends, but not the way I needed. So, after a big scream-fest, and days of heartsick, we agreed to be pen pals. I'll need to write letters. My worry is that at some point people will just realize that I'm more trouble than I'm worth, and just leave. I'm terrified that one day all these amazing people in my life will just pick up and leave. They'll be gone, and I'll be all alone again.

I am finding the normal world - reality a scary place. It's a language I don't speak, foreign and unpredictable. I am comfortable with my schedule, and that schedule has disappeared since I've met A, but it's changed it in a considerably odd way. I wake up at 5:30am, eat, and then troll around on the internet, and then talk to A on skype for hours. It's exhilarating, having someone to talk to every single day, someone you can rely on to be there for you, and push you forward every step of the way. But, it's the stuff people talk about that's harder to assimilate. I miss the predictability and security of my life before I met them, but it's hard to comprehend how to reach that level again. 

I still am restricting, but annoyingly enough, haven't dropped any weight. I take Remeron, and that is likely what is causing the fat to cling to my bones. I may be in recovery, and I may be a hypocrite, but I do not like this at all. I want that fat gone, removed from my skeleton, and back to being flesh and bones. Ed has really screwed me up, and I'm still fixated on that comment. It's frustrating.

I want this to end. But, it won't.