not myself

I haven’t been myself these last few days. I’m letting the opinions and beliefs of others get mixed in with my own and I'm basically floundering in the swamp. Thats the worst thing about being confused, and I mean being desperately confused. You start to adjust yourself to cling onto whatever seems to half make sense, even if you don’t agree or feel completely the same, and the fact that I'm doing that is stupid. I’m more messed up lately than usual and it's taking it's toll on my thinking. 

I'm either on a constant high or low, lately, and it's making me desperate for normality. I called the Renfrew Center, and spoke to a very soothing woman named Alex, and she talked me gently through how their program worked and so on so forth. Sadly, or not, my insurance doesn't cover Residential, and I was offered either a once a week therapy appointment or out-patient service for 25 days, $77 a day. A steep price to pay for recovery. So, I'm sitting back not reviewing my options, but thinking about how long I can be within my eating disorder, without feeling confined again. This last week or so has been so up and down, it's driving me completely insane. My emotions are so dependent on the current situation, and it's impossible to react to them the way I know I should, the way normal people would. I've had some of the best moments with A these last few days, but I’ve also found myself in state of complete dysfunction, I want to cut so badly. 

Embarrassing, slightly. I allowed my fuck buddy to come to my house, and fuck me dry; it was painful, and I did not enjoy it. He was ecstatic, it had been 6 weeks, and the look on his face as he came was rapture. I was dry as fuck, and he had to "wet" me himself. My stomach was roiling, and I wanted to vomit. He was disgusting to me. I wanted Gary to come as the knight in shining armor, and sweep me off my feet, ripping me away from the revolting troll. But he didn't. And, I still need to tell him. I'm not going to set a date, because that would have me anticipating it, and dreading it, when I shouldn't; I should be comfortable when I tell him.
That event really triggered my ed, and I've been severely restricting the past days, only cereal, and yogurt all day. I want my thighs to stop bulging out of my zeroes, and my hips, to be bony. I'm in control, and this will work.I can’t wait until I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.