binged

I’m disappointed, very disappointed with myself. Last night I have ate everything possible that would make me feel fat, disgusting, worthless. I seriously ate like such a fucking cow, it’s not even funny. I ate whatever was in sight. It was a horrible mess, and purging it all back up was so easy. I just leaned over, and purged, like it was second nature again. I couldn't believe myself, I had no willpower. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

I honestly don’t know why I thought I could eat everything. I don’t even know what my weight is. It feels like I’ve gained weight but I don’t know for sure. I weighed myself a little while ago and it was 116, so I think I’m still at 117. I had so many binges that I purged all up. You can see the evidence on my face from the broken blood vessels, and the chipmunk cheeks.

Why am I such a failure? I ate more food in a day then I would ever think to eat over a period of at least 4 or 5 days. I had been restricting for 3 months. To eat food I hadn't allowed myself was insidious, and I felt disgusted as I shoved bite after bite into my mouth.

I told Gary about I my eating disorder in a phone conversation last night, and after all this anticipation, all he said was, "I dated a girl with eating issues." I'm a little hurt, but I know how sympathetic and yet, completely disinterested at the same time.

For the past days, things seemed to be so overwhelming to me. School, friends, life, my future. Everything, except for my ED. I just lived everyday like a puppet, doing what I needed to do without feeling any accomplishment anymore. Yet, because of this, I’m finally feeling back on track on knowing what I need to do. I just don't want to leave what I already have, and I'm afraid to regain what I lost. Ar and L have been the only support system available, and I love them for it. I'm just afraid of relapsing again, after so many steps forward. I don't want to live with my aunt. I don't want to b/p. I don't want anything.