blood

Life always seems so complex when you sit and try to figure it out but when you actually take time to walk on the sidewalk and not count your steps, life is very simple. I just closed my eyes and imagined how my space is not as diluted as it seems, that I am not as closed off, and shut inside my own little box.

Last night, I was itching for something, and morose, and agitated. A bundle of rapid fire emotions. I wanted someone to save me, but I dreaded the moment they would. And the only people I can imagine saving me are D, Gary, or my mother. So, I cut, twice. Deep, but on the shallow side, and this pain, physical and not emotional, was flowing through my veins like a shot of herion, and I was finally immune to the overwhelming chatter in my head. The chatter that told me I was fat, that I would always be second rate to Gary, that my friends were drifting away from me and I couldn't reel them back in - I didn't deserve to reel them back.

It’s not the triggering moments, that me feel crazy, it’s the full on rapport I have in my head with myself when it’s happening. It’s the way I pace around my house as if I don’t know where I am, till I forget where I am. How I had my hair chopped off, and bleached it again. It’s the need to have something my hands, to aggressively swing an object or my hands. It's getting completely angry, and then very depressed within minutes, it's the need to break something or someone. It’s the fact the better side of me doesn’t want to, but the temptation is emotionally overwhelming. It’s the fact I can’t manage my thoughts enough to break the urge, but I can pour them out articulately to my therapist.

I hate expressing my emotions, they're all pent up inside, and I like it like that. Nothing to worry or fret over if I'm just a fake personality. But, the fight with L made me realize something. I have no patience or immunity to people. It's too much, so I broke the dam and began screaming.


I've noticed that for me, it's easier to cry in the shower than anywhere else. It's as though the water running down your face mixes with your eyes, and the tears come without hesitation. I was so overwhelmed, I just sobbed, and sobbed. I had cut a shallow line this morning, and watching the blood mix with water and pour down the drain was cathartic.