no one belongs

So today was a complete bust. After a nice early morning (4am-8am) doing nothing but reading Degrassi Fanfiction, the skies grew dark and I retreated into my bed after talking with L for a couple of hours. I really do love L, she and I are more similar than A and I were, and I can feel it in my bones. But, I feel as though nothing, no one, can help me now, even though I'm screaming as loudly as possible for it. I feel like I lost my head with D last weekend and haven't been bothered enough to find myself a new one. I've just been sitting around my house in a daze, doing nothing but talking when spoken to, blinking and mustering a smile when needed. I feel unwanted, impure.

I've been living in the middle of life - unsure about my place in it. My mood is terribly all over the place, the drugs are conflicting with my body, and I can't seem to find my own voice. I am just blah, and I really hate blah. I don't like eating anymore, because it's blah, I barely drink enough water to keep an elephant alive because it's blah. 

Sometimes I like to excuse my eating disorder, forget I have one in the first place. Very often, I trick myself into believing the body I have is permanent. My slight stretch marks running across the space where my thighs used to not touch are permanent. I am skinny, and yet I am fat. I feel out of place, and like I no longer belong in any category.

It is when I begin to think things like that, that I resort to a nice hard slap to the face via my own hand. I wake up. Permanence is what you make of it. You can be permanently fat or permanently thin. My favorite past time is looking my own body in the "eye" and saying "fuck you".  I've hit a plateau, and I guess it's finally time I did something about it. My mom purchased meal replacement drinks that are worth 74 calories per scoop, and even though I appreciate the care, I don't want to drink it. Ar, has been massively supportive, and for that I adore her. Something about her draws me to her - her spirit, her demeanor, her genuine personality, whatever it is, I love her for it.

I need some relief, and that relief comes in the form of sex or Alcohol. Whichever is more readily available.