bipolar

I posted this on my tumblr, so I figured I may as well post it here as well.

Bipolar disorder for me is ugly. When I am up and manic, life is great. I’m a party girl, love sex and drinking. I have this feeling that I can do anything, I take on project after project because I can hey I don’t sleep for days when I am manic. The thing is my mind races and I can’t finish anything I start because I race form thing to thing and can’t finish thoughts or even sentences. I talk really fast because my mind races and my thoughts are pressured; going faster than I can keep up with. Spending sprees, I once charged 1000$ to my parents credit card when I was 13. So people have learned not to trust me and that hurts. Hurt and regret are a big part of Bipolar for me. It’s like there are a thousand radios blaring at you and you can’t choose which one to focus on. Normal people can focus on one radio and turn down all the other ones, but people with bipolar can’t focus and frantically switch from radio to radio getting stressed and frantic. Then you crash. All of a sudden you realize the responsibilities you have. My brain feels like it is being squeezed and my eyes want to close. I realize I don’t have very many close friends because it is hard to get close to anyone. Life is dark and bleary and all I want to do is sleep it away. Major disappointment to everyone. Medication works, with counseling. There are some mistakes that I have done but I have apologized for everything. Bipolar people have a few rational days when we know we hurt people and kick ourselves for it, but when the swing starts it is a crazy ride that you just try to survive.