Believing I'm in recovery is a hard thing to accomplish when my Aunt D is consistently running to the bathroom after nearly every sit-down meal to vomit. She has horrible acid reflux, yes, but I can't help but feel indignant - and jealous. It a war between whether I should or shouldn't purge my meal too, every time I hear her heave. I am reminded of the reflex of just contracting my stomach muscles and vomiting, and for the stubborn bit sticking my fingers down my throat and feeling that high after. I want that so bad at her house.
She needs me by her side eternally, else she thinks I'm avoiding her or angry at her or "just like my mother." It's never ending. In her house, I'm the parent and she's the child. I prepare the shopping lists, do the housework, rouse her out of bed, console her, sit with her, talk with her. She laments about why she's not losing any weight, when she recounts with startling clarity that she ate pizza, 2 bowls of ice cream, and a candy bar for lunch. Everyday. It kills me, and triggers me insanely. She buys cookies or Hershey's kisses if they're on sale at Food Lion. She makes heaping portions of pasta (binge food!) or says something insensitive, and forgets that I'm bulimic or bipolar.
She's crazy making.
Even though her uncle (foster father) was bipolar, she can't seem to comprehend that her niece is crazy too. I've been careful to hide my mood swings, slipping away quietly when in a rage or depression, and coming out to socialize when I'm manic. I love her, but that's even who Gary only knows too - who everyone knows. Just the mania. Not the empty person I really am. Maybe this is just a down phase, or my low self-esteem, but I've lost my passion for every thing - especially school work. I love my mania, my wanderlust, and any trait I have when I'm high. But no one but my mother and psychiatrist knows about my 3 years spent in absolute isolation, just binging and purging, and I had to be reading fanfiction or watching tv to b/p. My OCD dictated my ED and what I would binge on that day. It numbed my moods. I want it back.
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