telephone calls

I spoke to D last night, which was very taxing. I forget how crucial she is to my recovery progress. I live with her on the weekends, and if we didn’t, I know I would keep on restricting. In a way, it's a reprieve from the encapsulating ED. She was part of the reason why I began eating again, in the first place; she needed the company and support. Even though she has trouble understanding my bulimia, she makes a concerted effort to try to understand. The food she prepares is delicious and loving, and I can't help but eat with her chit-chat surrounding me.

Her phone call though, mentioned that Ed might or might not come this weekend, and boy does he cherish his breakfast food. Every breakfast item includes pastries, or waffles, or pancakes, or french toast, with real maple syrup. My initial solution to this was to throw up after the meal. But then the thoughts of how, when and where, began to creep insidiously into my mind. How will I get around D and Ed? When will I be able to vomit the food that's digesting in my belly? Where, upstairs or downstairs?

At one point I was throwing up 7 times a day, reading or watching tv to distract myself. I couldn't binge without a distraction, otherwise I would be "aware" of what I was doing and stop; I didn't want to stop. It was out of control, and unmanageable. But, with D around I can't throw up - she keeps tabs on what and how much food is in the pantry or refrigerator, she checks the bathroom for unwiped stains. In her own way, she makes an effort. But in another, she doesn't - she'll still buy the cookies and the bulk foods, even if she knows it makes me uncomfortable.

She may have "saved" me on the weekends, but she reinforces the anorexia side of my ed. All week I restrict in anticipation of the coming weekend. She isn't helping me, she's ruining me. The path of restriction is a punishment for indulging in food, food that I actually enjoyed.

You can speed up time, and slow it down, but you can't rewind. I can't undo what I've done with my life. I can't undo what she knows, and thinks about my ed. The only thing I can do is move forward and resign myself to the inevitable - I'm going to have to eat, but that doesn't me I have to enjoy it.