Dad purchased a new computadora for me – HP 625 with Ubuntu Linux. My old 2007 MacBook has crashed not once but twice, needing a new dvd drive not once but twice, too. Luckily I back up my laptop; especially lucky I backed it up the morning it crashed. Why are Mac's so flimsy? Expensive?
I've relapsed, after going nigh 3 months with b/p, like an unrestrained zoo animal – leaping for food any chance it's swung. I'll wake up with the best of intentions – and then after my first bowl of cereal desperation will settle in and I spiral out of control, shuffling bowl after bowl of cereal into my gullet. The loss of control is startling, and in the middle of the act I am often doggedly hunting for the reasons why – why is it that this time I lose control?
Lately, I've been intellectualising, and scrutinising my ED under a finely-scoped mental lens – trying to shuffle this spastic mess into some semblance of sense. According to my psychiatrist, my ED is a extrinsic response to urgently wanting to purge my father from my body - which I believe. When I binge, I am numb, when I purge I'm relieved of the encumbering heaviness. Just like a metaphor, I numb myself of my father's expectations, purging myself of his oppressive weight.
It's a symbolic killing machine.
But the relapse. Was it triggered by the nitpicking my father resumed, or his recent hefty assurances? Both are equally spanning, and acknowledging one of them hefts the blame on his shoulders as well as my own. The correlations are obvious to me, but choosing one over the other is faulty reasoning. Bulimia is murdering me, so why do I need to find the roots?
Because it comes with experience, and as stomach clenching as it is – for the hope of recovery I need to know and prevent the roots from nudging their way in and taking structure.
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