things i forget to tell

I want to say this now before I forget, or it becomes to hard to acknowledge. I don't know what I want from this blog, or what I expect to achieve - but I do know that's its a means of purging my thoughts, so they don't become bottled and explosive. I've trolled ED recovery blogs, in 2008 had an livejournal blog (which I won't name...) mostly focused on my angst with my father, and I've read about and watched ED recovery take shape not only in others, but in myself. I want my recovery to be noticed - as trite as that sounds.

My mother has been my confident for all these turbulent years of bulimia/anorexia and untreated mental illness, and she's helped me more than words can express. But I think that now is the time to set out on my own and become someone other than my mother's daughter. I cheated, I lied, I stole, and I took advantage of every opening I noticed to get what I wanted now, now, now. She stuck with me and for that, I cherish her dearly. I wasn't cognizant of her or anyone else, but at the same time I wasn't in the right frame of mind to care that I was damaging other people anyway.

So, I'll say this: I still actively engage in my ED, I'm still not willing to let go of its clenching grasp; I still measure my food, chew gum fervently after every meal, still relish in the flavors and textures of food, still make binge lists in my most vulnerable. I still go days where I'll only eat 500 calories or 700 (if I'm feeling adventurous) to maintain my lw. It is my niche, and I am comfortable in my routine. I hate options - having to decide between this or that.

I am loosing my sense of comfort though, and discomfit is loud and blaring when I binge/purge, 'Why Why WHY! You have xanax, you don't need this high, you've come so far so why!?' I have the ability to secure what I think I need and want, but I don't have the assurance or faith that I'm going about it correctly. ,And the thoughts are screaming at me unceasingly - I'm doing this puzzle wrong, that's not the right thing to say. Everything reminds me of what I cannot have. I know that there is no correct or incorrect way of handling life; there is no fundamental life experience that I am not going about correctly. I just didn't expect this life to be so up and down.