gluttony

I've been banned from my Aunts house for this weekend - indefinitely, in my mind. I feel too damned and destructible and self-recriminating to ever go back. There will be no more packing dresses for a “just in case we have to do something fancy” situation, no more 'I hope Gary calls~!' moments, no more 'lets try and hide my bipolarity, so there aren't any awkward moments' days. I binged at her house, ate all her food, and that did irreparable damage - something she finds simultaneously disgusting and worrisome. I forced her to damn her pride, and ask for help to buy more core groceries - milk, cereal, etc. Basically the items I stuffed my gullet with.

The cause though, is what I'm having no trouble at all defining. I've been storing up and packing away, vainly, all my emotions, which led to an overflow and the damn breaking. My computer is not working properly (the battery doesn't hold a charge), my father is around and poking his head in every nook and cranny of my head, I cannot control my binges any more, I am dependant on xanax and adderall to read, I'm worried about my unmentioned (Rone) stalker, worried I may get pregnant because I can't simply ask for my "special friend" to wear a rubber, and I'm getter fatter - My zeros don't fit, and that is a crazy making event.

This eating disorder is my default coping mechanism, and I need to practice other ways of slipping into my comfort zone. I'm addicted to hedonism, and it is addicted to me - no matter how hard I try, it keeps shoving itself into my life like an old unwanted friend. It consumes my thoughts and my time, and demolishes whatever I'm discovering about myself, things I'm beginning to respect. My bipolarity reinforces the cycle, I feel inadequate, and the eating disorder jumps in, rests on my shoulder and whispers "It will all get better once you eat those cookies, you'll see,"and I'm down the hole again. It removes any and all doubt, leaving me feeling like I'm floating on cloud nine.

I've taken a step backwards and really have no idea how to get back on track. Yes, it emphasised the progress I had made - I had created a life outside of my eating disorder, one that revolved around school and books, and excitement. I want that back, but to get that why do I feel like I need anorexia to achieve it again? I'm keeping a meal planner, and I haven't done that since I was a pious anorectic.