very young

My psychiatrist (S) pointed out that I'm too young to have to 'act as a parent' towards my aunt (D). In some ways I agree; why should I feel obligated to be her confidant and support system if she doesn't do the same for me? She's not the only one who needs saving, I need help and a pillar too. But my needs are pushed to the back-burner, when she's involved; everything is about her, her, her. No asking where I stand with my moods and EDNOS, no asking whether I'm okay or not.

S suggested I set some boundaries, so that we're not stuck in a co-dependent relationship, because as much I gripe I miss D's presence. But I'm a nervous wreck when I come home - frantic to get some sleep, frantic to be alone. I so desperately want to experience things, which is something I do greatly at her house. I see Gary more often, and flirt with different cultures of people. Fun, is something I readily come by with her at the wheel. It's just the big things - her denial of my illness, her deliberate digs at her own weight - that tick me off. But does Gary outweigh those big things? I still love him dearly, so we'll see how it goes this weekend.

I commented on the idea that I felt like time was moving faster for me than for others, that lately I was impatient with the slowness of life. S said that maybe because I was no taking Lamictal, I was stabilizing my hypomania and pressured speech: I had been talking so rapidly, trying to fit my thoughts into the words that I was saying at the same time, that they came out almost completely unintelligible. It was nutzoid, and my dense thoughts were racing one after another. But, now my head is quiet and misunderstood.

One of my biggest fears is being misunderstood, or rather being judged without explanation. Everything I do is judged, justified, and rationalized by myself. Did I do that right? Did I put enough banana in my cereal to be acceptable to a normal person? Why did I pick a blue shirt instead of a red shirt? I try to find a reason behind everything I do, and fuck is it frustrating. Everything needs to have method behind the choices I make, and everything needs to scrutinized. Why can't I live without fear of myself and my own opinions?